Where are the experts?
Dan McStay marks at half forward and sends it long inside 50. With no big forwards at the contest, the Lions can’t get a grab, and the ball bounces back out. Jordan Lewis reckons he’s pinpointed the Lions problem. “Where’s Hipwood and McStay?”
Lewis is on special comments for Fox, and this comment certainly is ‘special’, given it was McStay who kicked the ball and — though I don’t know how it worked for Hawthorn in their golden era — half-forwards usually aren’t expected to mark their own 40 metre balls.
Lewis’ slip-up might be a petty thing to get worked up about, but can anyone who’s watched more than a quarter of footy this year really say that it’s an isolated incident? With the way footy coverage is going, Champion Data should consider investing in a ‘clanger’ count for broadcasters. BT calling a point as a goal, the square replay tile blocking our view of a stoppage, Luke Darcy calling Charlie Cameron “Charlie Gardiner” for the 11 millionth time — mark them in the stats-book.
Russell Jackson wrote a brilliant piece last week laying down a challenge for camera operators to adapt to changes in the game, and I’ve got a challenge of my own for the modern crop of commentators. It’s even more basic than Russell’s, and eminently doable — try, just try to describe and analyse the game with something that resembles coherence.
With apologies to noble exceptions like Huddo, Brenton Speed and Hamish McLachlan, I really don’t think I’m being unfair on anyone.
I mean let’s start with the Fox crew. You’ve got Dwayne Russell, whose speech patterns are about as formulaic as a GPS voiceover; Dermott Brereton, who somehow manages to sound like a slurring drunk and a Play-School presenter at the same time; David King, who seems to have a new, equally unintelligible ‘ranking system’ every time he opens his mouth; and ‘newsbreaker’ Tom Morris, who’s giving the seemingly impossible task of being more unlikeable than Tom Browne a red hot crack.
Over on free-to-air it’s not much better. There’s Cameron Ling, who does an uncanny impression of those high-pitched mosquito ringtones; BT, who’s more interested in working on his stand-up material than calling the action; good old Bruce, who’s just loving the footy, isn’t he?; and the now rarely-seen Bazil, who has a face for radio and a voice for silent films.
While the callers on 7 are constantly distracted by fan mega-walls and BT’s latest surname-intonation of choice, the Fox team are at least more faithful to the action. The analysis you do get though is either painfully inane (“gee he’s good!”, “that’s what good teams do — they hurt you on the scoreboard”) or comically esoteric (Fox, I kid you not, has both ‘rating’ and ‘ranking’ points, neither of which are ever properly explained).
Commentators shouldn’t just be there to banter or add atmosphere or mindlessly repeat basic facts about a team or player ad nauseam. The best commentators do one or both of two things; attach memorable lines to the game’s greatest moments (think Huddo’s “miracle on grass!” or Dennis Commeti’s “crept up on him like a librarian); and explain the game in a way that an average fan, caught up in the momentum of the game, might not have considered. Commentators of the first kind do exist (again, hello Huddo), but commentators of the second kind are a few and far between.
On the broadcaster’s payroll, that is. On Twitter (and recently on the ABC), there’s a growing community of gun AFL analysists — HPN, the Arc, Richard Little and Squiggle just to name a few. Their insights are lucid, original, and often unintuitive in the best way possible (they pick up the stuff you miss). Refreshingly, they work off data, not hunches, and aren’t just limited to done-to-death fad stats like ‘metres gained’ and ‘pressure acts’.
Sadly, these voices aren’t the ones being boosted on national TV 9 times a week. Instead, we have to put up with a litany of well-meaning, but poorly-executing ex-players with nothing to add, but plenty to take away from our enjoyment of the game.
Jordan Lewis might have misdiagnosed the issue behind that Lion’s forward entry, but I reckon I can paraphrase his special comment to good effect in this context.
“Where are the experts?”
